"Unsettled" (Psalm 32)

When I read the psalms, I sometimes rush. I’m more drawn to the stories of scripture.

You know; those passages that have a plot. And action. And that are easier to preach on…

But the psalms don’t have any of that.

Yet, when I pause, take a breath, and let the words of the psalms sink into my heart, the effect is sometimes quite profound.

I wonder what words from Psalm 32 are resonating in your heart. Here’s what’s resonating in mine:

“While I kept silence, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.”

Reading that brought to mind times when my body was groaning inwardly; times when it felt that God’s hand was heavy upon me; times when my strength was dried up … and my spirit was unsettled.

I don’t like feeling unsettled. Feeling unsettled is that feeling that something isn’t right. It’s a feeling the rises up from your gut. It’s the feeling of being disturbed by something.

It is not a pleasant experience.

And yet, sometimes, that unpleasant feeling, that experience of being unsettled, comes from the Spirit. It is the Spirit telling me I need to change.

But I don’t want to change. I don’t want to change my way of thinking. I just want to get rid of that unsettled feeling.

So I work hard to deceive myself. I tell myself that the unsettled feeling is because of someone else. Someone else needs to change, not me.

I tell myself this, but it doesn’t work. “Happy is the one in whom there is no deceit or dishonesty.” To be happy, I need to stop deceiving myself.

When do you feel unsettled? When do you sense a groaning deep in your bones? When do you feel God’s hand heavy upon you (as the Psalmist says)?

And how do you respond?

Often, we respond to that unsettled feeling in one of three ways:

We blame others.

We search for distractions.

We get defensive.

For example… The issue of race relations in this country is unsettling. If you aren’t unsettled by the history and the current state of race relations in this country, you should be. It has been, and continues to be, one of America’s greatest sins.

And because I am an American – a white American, no less – I am implicated in this sin.

That unsettles me. So what do I do? I blame others. Look at David Duke, the KKK, Donald Trump… The racists are out there; just don’t lump me in with them.

Or, I search for distractions. Why do we always have to talk about race? There are plenty of other things we can talk about…

Or, I get defensive. I can’t be racist! I had a black roommate in college. I was one of his groomsmen when he got married. (We ate Jack-in-the-Box hamburgers before the wedding and watched the photographer and the wedding coordinator get into a fight at the reception. It was great.)

Blame others. Search for distractions. Get defensive.

The Black Lives Matter movement makes a lot of us feel unsettled. How do we respond?

We blame others. “If he hadn’t been acting suspicious, the police wouldn’t have shot him.”

We search for distractions. “All Lives Matter!”

We get defensive. “The police have a difficult job to do, 99% of them are good, decent, people, we should respect the men in blue.”

All of these things may be true. The problem is that when they take the spotlight away from Black Lives Matter, they deny what is also true: that we live in a society that is still racist.

But to admit that we live in a racist society, that we ourselves are a part of a racist society – that’s too unsettling.

Here’s what I have learned over the years: when I feel this type of discomfort, when I feel unsettled in this way, there is likely some deceit or dishonesty going on within me, which means there is almost certainly an opportunity for me to learn something.

But in order to learn something, I have to stop blaming others. I have to stop searching for distractions. I have to stop being so defensive.

Instead, I need to humble myself. I need to open my heart and my mind. I need to allow that heavy hand of God to turn my eyes toward that which I’d rather not look at, and see what is really going on.

I am so thankful for colleagues like Sandhya Jha, a friend of mine who is a Disciples pastor in Oakland; Leah Francis Gunning, who wrote the book From Ferguson to Faith (and who begins teaching this summer at Christian Theological Seminary, the seminary I attended); and William Barber, the Disciples pastor from North Carolina I mentioned to you a few weeks ago. In person, and through the books they’ve written, they are among those who have helped me learn to stop blaming others, stop searching for distractions, and stop getting defensive. Through them, God has gently turned my eyes to see the truth.

And truth leads to repentance.

Through people like them, and others as well, I have learned how I benefit from white privilege. Even though I have not actively sought out any privilege based on my race, I still benefit from having white skin.

I’m not afraid to call the police if I need to. I don’t have to worry about getting a fair trial if I or anyone in my family is ever taken to court. No one is going to harass me because of my race. No one follows me when I enter a store. And in all my classes, from elementary school to seminary, I never took a class on “white history.” We didn’t have to call it that, because “white history” was just called “history.”

Do I go about trying to create this privilege for myself? No. But if I deny that it exists, then I am complicit with the problem. If I don’t challenge and confront it, I’m complicit with the sins of society.

It’s unsettling. But I’ve learned to give thanks for that unsettled feeling. When my first reaction is to blame others, find distractions, or get defensive, I’ve learned to check myself, and ask if there is something here I need to learn.

And I’m thankful for that. Because it allows me the opportunity to repent, to turn in a different direction, to see the truth, to find new understanding, new life, to experience that happiness the psalmist talks about, that blessedness, that feeling of being at peace, living in a state of shalom, because I have turned and faced a new direction, the direction of truth, the direction of God.

What a blessing that is!

Psalm 32 goes back and forth between confession and celebration. When you think of confession, do you also think of celebration? Probably not. Confession and repentance don’t often seem to us to be times for celebration.

But I’ve discovered that when you feel that unsettled feeling – when something disturbs you in the way that I have described, and you are tempted to blame others, find distractions, or get defensive – a blessing can be right around the corner, if you just stop for a moment, and take a breath, and ask yourself if there is something here you need to see. Ask yourself: can you feel the heavy hand of God upon you, gently trying to turn your head to look closely at what you are trying to avoid.

…And God will lead you from repentance to celebration. As the psalmist says, you will “be glad in the Lord. You will rejoice. You will shout for joy.”

Here is another example from my own personal experience.

When this church voted to become officially Open and Affirming, I was pleased.

But then, as I read the statement that we had voted on and approved, that unsettled feeling began to arise.

Our Open and Affirming statement reads: “Bixby Knolls Christian Church welcomes and affirms all God's children, regardless of race, gender, age, sexual orientation, gender identity, nationality, ethnicity, marital status, physical or mental ability, political stance or theological perspective.”

This time, what unsettled me was the phrase, “gender identity.”

What did I know about gender identity issues or being transgender? Nothing, really, except that it means someone who identifies as a gender that is different from the physical body they were born with.

Which I didn’t really understand.

But because it was in this statement that we had voted on and approved, I couldn’t deny it. I couldn’t distract myself from it. And who else could I blame, since I myself voted in favor of this statement?

So I decided I needed to learn more. I needed to let God’s hand that was upon me direct my attention to the truth.

I ended up at a training for transgender allies. Walking in,

I was given a blank nametag, and was asked to write my name as well as my preferred pronoun.

That unsettled me. I’d never before had to inform people that I wanted to be referred to as “he” or “him.”

Then I watched and listened as several young people bravely described the difficult journey of a transgender person. And I began to understand.

The fact that I had never before needed to inform people what pronoun to use when referring to me shows the privilege that I have in our society…

I left that training finally understanding why we need to be a church that does indeed welcome and affirm all people regardless of their gender identity.

Walking into that training was a bit outside my comfort zone. Putting that name tag on, I did feel unsettled.

But I am thankful for that unsettled feeling. I’m thankful for that groaning in my bones. It allows me to acknowledge that there is some part of my understanding that is not complete, and gives me the opportunity to understand a greater part of the truth.

So. What unsettles you?

Perhaps it was Beyonce’s Super Bowl halftime show… Maybe it was Chris Rock’s comments about the all-white Oscars… maybe it was Bruce Jenner’s transformation to Caitlyn Jenner… maybe it’s the suggestion that some of the stories in the Bible aren’t meant to be taken literally… Maybe it’s something else…

I’m sure if I keep going, I could find something that unsettles you. In case you haven’t noticed, my purpose today is not to comfort you. It’s to make you feel unsettled.

And when you feel unsettled, ask yourself: Is the Spirit there, in that unsettled feeling?

That’s what you need to figure out.

If the Spirit is there… listen to it. Before you deny what’s going on, before you get defensive, before you distract your mind to something else, figure out what’s going on.

As the psalmist says, “Do not be like a horse or mule, without understanding, whose temper must be curbed with bit and bridle…”

Listen to the Spirit.

Let the Spirit lead you to the repentance that gives freedom and joy and happiness.

Only then will that inner groaning cease. Only then will the weight of God’s heavy hand be lifted from you. Only then will your strength be returned to you.

And, like the psalmist, you will discover a reason to celebrate.